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Personal Uncategorized

The Process

They say when life hits you, it hits you hard. I have always had a view of what my tomorrow would look; I was used to having things under my control and if not, I obviously had backup plans. I looked at my life as an event that I was organizing. Not this time though. Today at 31 – as I have been for the past 8 months – I am completely clueless and silently terrified. I can’t even begin to plan and I guess that’s what scares me the most – having to trust the process.

Despite the unknown and the uncertainties coming my way, I just know that where I am exactly at this point in my life is maybe where I really am supposed to be. Sure there are numerous voids and missing pieces, but to be completely honest, I don’t recall ever being this much at peace before. My emotions are on the edge; my heart can be happier, but it is happy now. My sole focus is on myself that regardless how that selfish that may seem to others, it actually feels right. I am able to serve other people who actually need and deserve my time, and it definitely satisfies my soul.

On my birthday, someone told me I always make the most out of whatever my current situation is. At that specific moment I wish I could’ve told him exactly how I’ve come to being that way, but now I realize that he was actually right.. I have been so focused on what went on with my life last year that I now fail to see who I was before all this darkness loomed upon me.

I have put off writing for so long. See when I write, things are more real. Everything that is on my mind and in my heart pours and I am at my most vulnerable. Someone who’s ever been a partner to me could attest to that. (Ha!)

I wish to be able to write and share more of what has happened over the past years, and hope that until then a future becomes more visible.

Keep the faith.

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Family

Crossroads, again?

Am I too old to be in a crossroad? Exactly how many years or how many times can one person be at a crossroad in life?

I’m 27, and I think I have once again come to a point where I ask myself, what do I really want to do?

Quite oddly, I have no answer. I have been racking my brains out for the past two hours, thinking of an answer to hopefully aide me in planning my next steps beyond this Dubai adventure I am in.

I used to want to be a lawyer or a teacher. I could still pursue either, but do I really want that now? Maybe yes, but also, maybe no.

I have always had a dream of opening a clothing boutique. I used to do online selling and actual off-site selling and it did get me to places, but I stopped. Don’t ask me why but I just did, and I regret it. Do I still want to do it? Yes, but it’s scaring me as this is a huge risk and I’m not entirely sure where to start now with all the existing big names already. I don’t even design, Lord knows how awful I am at drawing! I just have a flair for what is nice and a love for making people feel good about themselves. That was the edge before. I have an opportunity to do it again now, however my location for a would – be boutique is not ideal, so I am quite skeptical.

I wanted to take Fashion School – they have a Marketing course and that can work for me, if I decide to pursue the clothing store. I also thought of enrolling in Fashion Styling and then use my connections to be someone’s stylist. Then I can also re-train and take more makeup classes. Costly!!! Hard work, but interesting enough.

I also think about applying in other countries… Asian perhaps, maybe those will work better since it’s nearer the Philippines and I can just come home anytime I wanted, with all the seat sales and whatnot. It still seems like a pretty good idea, maybe I will try and explore to see if I get anything and then try? But that also leads me away from another thing I want to do:

I want to come home. Home, to my homeland and be with my family. I will be frank in saying that I enjoy being on my own, although constantly in check with my family, I still enjoy the independence and the freedom that comes with being far. I mean, working here in Dubai does have its rewards and setbacks, and it can get really tiring especially knowing that you really wouldn’t stay here for good. I love the city, but I do not want to grow old here. I want to be with my family to help out in our businesses and of course, we’re too family oriented to even be apart, but after being away for about 2 years now, I cannot fully imagine what it’s going to be like being under my parents’ watch again, having to report to them every so often, explaining where I want to go or who I will be with. Eek.

Oh, and another thought came to me when I was asking myself about two hours back about wanting a dance / fitness studio. That’s interesting but the money involved, not even talking about just the investment required but the profit is just not tempting enough for it to be the next adventure.

Then I started looking at probably taking higher education, get a Master’s degree or something, but on what? Marketing? Events (do they even have that)? Another possibility, but also costly.

Or maybe I could stick to what I do now and put together an events organizing team. I have friends in the industry who are just so good it’s crazy – maybe we can do those together. That will be lucrative, given the talent of the people I work with!

I have a lot of ideas in my head and I am just too confused to even plan something. It can get so frustrating to want to do a lot of things and then wake up again the next day realizing you haven’t started anything – heck not even decide on anything just yet. I envy those who are brave enough to actually say what they want and leave everything behind and just do it.

For now, I will pray. I will pray for a clearer mind and a stronger self, to leave what isn’t working for me behind and begin to do something worthwhile in my life. I’m 27!!!!!