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Renewal

This is a story of faith – a story of how the renewal of my faith has helped me find the will to live.

*Note: may come off as hypocritical to some*

I am in no way near being able to solve the problems I have created for myself over the past years that blew up in my face hard last year, but no dwelling on details here. All I have done is to take a step forward – beginning with forgiving myself… or at least, in the process of. Like I said, this is a story of faith.

I’ve always been religious, always had a relationship with God that was more like a best friend I can bother anytime. The fact that I attended a (very) strict Catholic school for girls in High School built this relationship. I was no saint, I had my fair share of sins even then, but God started being my person. I talked to Him so much, especially when my grandmother, who was my wall and pillar, passed.

God helped me through college too. In my senior year I faced my biggest hurdle yet – that fight for my graduation, and I swear this is one of my favorite stories, but God showed up and fought for me. He only sent me one message and that was to believe in Him. Thankfully I was too focused on my cries that I heard it loud and clear: “believe in me”, and He delivered.

Now looking back, I know it was when I moved to the UAE that I completely traversed the wrong path that would further lead me into this situation. I fell in love – hard. I built a life that I shouldn’t have, but still did. When faced with the question of why, to this date, I have no answers. I just did. I justified every wrong move and decision, every hurt, pain, and lie with “love”. I am not here to badmouth the guy, it was an 80-20 bad and good. The choice was mine. It was wrong, but with my justifications, felt right.

It ruined me.

The decisions I made lead to my downfall. The love I thought would be enough suddenly wasn’t. All the bad decisions were what they were – bad. What started to surface was the unconditional love of my parents, hell, did I take that for granted.

The guy tried to stick around during my lowest, but he was so used to me pulling us both up that it didn’t work. I remember a conversation a couple months before the complete downfall:

What if I can’t hold us together anymore and I fall?

But you can’t, because you’re the stronger one. I won’t know what to do.

I crumbled into pieces. I had no idea how to get up. A fall I did not expect, could not have prepared for. I was so convinced I would continue to drown. I felt so alone, for I have successfully burned all my bridges and no one would dare get to me. For the first time in my life, I felt so helpless, and all the good I did in the world wouldn’t even come close to the bad that I have done. I just wanted to quit, having maxed out everybody around me, I was alone.

And then God called me home.

He sent people I never expected, and brought me home. 9 months ago, I saw Him again after so many years. He reminded me that He was my person, that He never left.

(This is where it gets hypocritical for some who might read this. And it’s not my goal to persuade you to believe.)

Everybody says it’s a process, and now I know what they mean. I am able to write this now, albeit difficult and accompanied with a bucket-load of tears, but if I were to even try this 9 months ago, I won’t know what to say.

I spent a lot of time coming to church on Wednesdays to worship, only to end up crying among a sea of strangers and being comforted by His presence assuring me that one day, it will be a tiny bit better. He reminded me that no matter how much I have sinned and how much I felt that the world has turned it’s back on me, He will be with me in every step. I was introduced to people whom without judgement accepted me, and see beyond the sins. They know me, they know my story, but they keep assuring me that I am greater than my sins. I have a purpose, I am forgiven. God’s love is so much bigger.

It is a process. I have gotten so far from where I used to be, and still too far away from even rebuilding what I broke, but I am positive that I will one day get there. It is a heavy feeling to be carrying around all the time to date, but I am not carrying it alone.

This is a story of faith. Had I not opened up my heart, mind, eyes and ears to His calls – I am not sure where I would be right now. My faith has lifted me up, and will continue to.

“Who am I that the highest King would welcome me?
I was lost but He brought me in. Oh His love for me…
Who the Son sets free, oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God, yes I am

Free at last, He has ransomed me, His grace runs deep
While I was a slave to sin, Jesus died for me
In my Father’s house, there’s a place for me
I’m a child of God, yes I am

I am chosen, not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me, not against me
I am who You say I am”


If you are reading this and you are one of the many people I have hurt, I am sorry. I am trying, and if you can’t forgive me still, I respect that.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGIfGzgGNjQ&feature=youtu.be
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Personal Uncategorized

The Process

They say when life hits you, it hits you hard. I have always had a view of what my tomorrow would look; I was used to having things under my control and if not, I obviously had backup plans. I looked at my life as an event that I was organizing. Not this time though. Today at 31 – as I have been for the past 8 months – I am completely clueless and silently terrified. I can’t even begin to plan and I guess that’s what scares me the most – having to trust the process.

Despite the unknown and the uncertainties coming my way, I just know that where I am exactly at this point in my life is maybe where I really am supposed to be. Sure there are numerous voids and missing pieces, but to be completely honest, I don’t recall ever being this much at peace before. My emotions are on the edge; my heart can be happier, but it is happy now. My sole focus is on myself that regardless how that selfish that may seem to others, it actually feels right. I am able to serve other people who actually need and deserve my time, and it definitely satisfies my soul.

On my birthday, someone told me I always make the most out of whatever my current situation is. At that specific moment I wish I could’ve told him exactly how I’ve come to being that way, but now I realize that he was actually right.. I have been so focused on what went on with my life last year that I now fail to see who I was before all this darkness loomed upon me.

I have put off writing for so long. See when I write, things are more real. Everything that is on my mind and in my heart pours and I am at my most vulnerable. Someone who’s ever been a partner to me could attest to that. (Ha!)

I wish to be able to write and share more of what has happened over the past years, and hope that until then a future becomes more visible.

Keep the faith.

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Current

Me in a nutshell these past few months:

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faith Family hope

It Is Well

I’m sorry you cannot find it in your heart to forgive, and I am even more sorry that you find it difficult to fully accept when someone else does.. know that if there is one thing I am certain of, had things been the other way around – no matter how deep, no matter how many times, and no matter how bad, you will always have me. You can say I don’t know how hard it is, and I can only imagine the pain, the hurt and the betrayal felt… repeatedly. I trust that I will still be there. I am here. This could very well be misconstrued, there is a story behind everything. I hope you remember that.

If God forgives and continues to exist, why won’t I?

“So let go, my soul, and trust in Him”

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Farewells

Today is my last day here in Dubai. I would love to say for now but I don’t want to speak too soon.

When my dad surprised me and came to pick me up and take me home with him, I wasn’t sure what to feel. It was on my plans anyway, but it came 2 weeks earlier than scheduled. I had plans, I had booked dates, I had some more things to take care of.

Packing up 2 years of my life here in Dubai wasn’t really hard to do – there isn’t much I have to take and if need be, I could leave it all here and just take one full luggage. It is more of the farewells and the goodbyes that sucks the life out of me.

In a span of 2 days, I have managed to get myself extremely weak and lost for a plan, lost of direction. I just wanted to see friends and people I have been with in this time and spend whatever time I have left with them, although torn as well to be leaving my dad alone in the house doing nothing.

I guess one thing that I realized is that you will never be ready to leave. There will never be a perfect time to do so, and regardless of how much you plan it, you will never, ever be able to say “goodbye” completely.

I pray that plans become concrete and actually happen. I pray that things get better, and I be able to come back soon.. but until then, farewell. 😔

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Of friends and trials

Funny when you reach a point in your life that you are at your lowest, how you truly discover who the real ones are and those who are just there, well, for their own reasons.

If you are in a bad situation, and have actually approached all of those you consider your friends and not a single one of the capable ones is willing to help, who do you turn to? They say do unto others what you would like others do unto you. This is specifically true, proven, “others” will do the same for you, not the ones you expect to.

Friends, there should be a clearer definition of friends. Friends are those who are actually there beside you in moments when you really have nothing and no one, and those who don’t desert you, those who will never judge and try their hardest to understand. Agreeing is one thing, but understanding is another. If you have someone who understands you and your actions regardless of what they may be, and will be willing to help you until the end, then you have found yourself a true friend. Steer away from selfish people, who only think about themselves especially in moments where you doubt yourself.

There are times when I just want to stop thinking and make like a ball and stay in one corner where no one will ask me what my plans are, and isolate myself from the universe… but if I do that, the world won’t stop would it? My responsibilities won’t stop with me. It’s always easier to quit and give up, but what good will that do?

So, I pray. I pray for strength and for clarity. I pray for help. I pray that somewhere out there something is just going to come and happen that will make things better. That is our best weapon, faith in prayer.

Be wise, be kind. Eventually tables will turn, and you will be reaping rewards of being kind.

 

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Family

Crossroads, again?

Am I too old to be in a crossroad? Exactly how many years or how many times can one person be at a crossroad in life?

I’m 27, and I think I have once again come to a point where I ask myself, what do I really want to do?

Quite oddly, I have no answer. I have been racking my brains out for the past two hours, thinking of an answer to hopefully aide me in planning my next steps beyond this Dubai adventure I am in.

I used to want to be a lawyer or a teacher. I could still pursue either, but do I really want that now? Maybe yes, but also, maybe no.

I have always had a dream of opening a clothing boutique. I used to do online selling and actual off-site selling and it did get me to places, but I stopped. Don’t ask me why but I just did, and I regret it. Do I still want to do it? Yes, but it’s scaring me as this is a huge risk and I’m not entirely sure where to start now with all the existing big names already. I don’t even design, Lord knows how awful I am at drawing! I just have a flair for what is nice and a love for making people feel good about themselves. That was the edge before. I have an opportunity to do it again now, however my location for a would – be boutique is not ideal, so I am quite skeptical.

I wanted to take Fashion School – they have a Marketing course and that can work for me, if I decide to pursue the clothing store. I also thought of enrolling in Fashion Styling and then use my connections to be someone’s stylist. Then I can also re-train and take more makeup classes. Costly!!! Hard work, but interesting enough.

I also think about applying in other countries… Asian perhaps, maybe those will work better since it’s nearer the Philippines and I can just come home anytime I wanted, with all the seat sales and whatnot. It still seems like a pretty good idea, maybe I will try and explore to see if I get anything and then try? But that also leads me away from another thing I want to do:

I want to come home. Home, to my homeland and be with my family. I will be frank in saying that I enjoy being on my own, although constantly in check with my family, I still enjoy the independence and the freedom that comes with being far. I mean, working here in Dubai does have its rewards and setbacks, and it can get really tiring especially knowing that you really wouldn’t stay here for good. I love the city, but I do not want to grow old here. I want to be with my family to help out in our businesses and of course, we’re too family oriented to even be apart, but after being away for about 2 years now, I cannot fully imagine what it’s going to be like being under my parents’ watch again, having to report to them every so often, explaining where I want to go or who I will be with. Eek.

Oh, and another thought came to me when I was asking myself about two hours back about wanting a dance / fitness studio. That’s interesting but the money involved, not even talking about just the investment required but the profit is just not tempting enough for it to be the next adventure.

Then I started looking at probably taking higher education, get a Master’s degree or something, but on what? Marketing? Events (do they even have that)? Another possibility, but also costly.

Or maybe I could stick to what I do now and put together an events organizing team. I have friends in the industry who are just so good it’s crazy – maybe we can do those together. That will be lucrative, given the talent of the people I work with!

I have a lot of ideas in my head and I am just too confused to even plan something. It can get so frustrating to want to do a lot of things and then wake up again the next day realizing you haven’t started anything – heck not even decide on anything just yet. I envy those who are brave enough to actually say what they want and leave everything behind and just do it.

For now, I will pray. I will pray for a clearer mind and a stronger self, to leave what isn’t working for me behind and begin to do something worthwhile in my life. I’m 27!!!!!

 

 

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Rambles.

I pray you have the courage to walk away from something that’s probably not doing you right, from something that slowly kills you every single time as you keep sending a message that doesn’t come across. I pray that you be given strength to realize your worth and actually take notice of it, and not let anyone make you feel so worthless.  Is that really what love is about?

I pray that one day you be strong enough to make people who unconsciously take you for granted realize what they will be missing when they lose you, before it gets late. I pray that one day you meet someone or if you already have met that someone, for things to work out well. Nothing is perfect, nothing will ever be perfect, but there is a difference in both parties trying. 

I wish one day you learn to realize that you can have something great and something actually worth all your efforts and your tears. One who knows what they have and value it. Someone who will always be on their toes for fear of losing you, and not someone so complacent to not see that you may always decide to leave. 

I look forward to the day you look at someone and can simply tell them, it would be an honor to have your heart broken by that person, because whatever suffering or tears you shed is always replaced with a tantamount love you never knew of, all along thinking you’ve felt every single kind there is.

I wish one day you’d notice how open your eyes have been to see the realities which you try so badly to ignore.

I wish one day you’d laugh this off and just have the person prove you wrong.

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Whimsical

Looking at my blog tells me how hectic my past months has been to not be able to post a single entry. Just a quick update – since I started working here in Dubai June of 2014 — officially September, and now being August 2015 – I have been through 2 different employers, and now I just started a new job.

WHAT. Aren’t contracts supposed to be for about 2 years or so? Am I so fickle-minded that I hop from one company to another so quickly? Not so much. There are reasons that  forced me to do this but if anything, I would like to hope that the new company allows me to stay for the duration a normal employee should be.

So it’s been what, 10 months since my last post. How has it been? It’s been a whirlwind of adventure I must say. Have I finally been able to settle down or adjust to the life that is, Dubai?

My mom would always do a check on my things – like she keeps an inventory of the stuff I own and the new ones I post. I think I got over the shopping part quickly – which should be a good thing, considering how much damage sales here and there that never end and will surely lure any shopaholic bring. I have been to brunches, parties and so much more. I’d say I’m doing pretty okay.

It still is a challenge most of the time, but with any other place or person who flies off to a different place and start anew- it will always be difficult. It will be your friends and the people you meet who will constantly make up for the loneliness one can feel – but sometimes really, it’s never completely enough.

I am stoked for October – I’ll finally see my parents. Just the thought of spending 7 days with them makes me teary – eyed. God knows how much I miss my family and that though we constantly communicate, nothing beats actual presence. I have been constantly fighting with some of my siblings, or been talking but it still doesn’t change the fact that I miss them too much to even bother. I just keep on looking for new places — the non-touristy much stuff that I can take them to when they get here, and of course, sacrificing or saving up on stuff to be able to show them around comfortably when they come.

That’s about it. Doing this post has given me an hour’s worth of something to do and now less bored, off to do chores! #buhayofw

PS. It is hard and can get really lonely, but you learn – and that’s the most important thing.

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Family

On Independence

It’s late and I have nothing on my plate. Tonight is one of those rare nights where I got to go out and have a good laugh.

Now i’m back to my daily stupor.

I chose to work away from home for the obvious reason of being able to earn more, and hopefully be able to save. One thing I know though is that I will eternally be missing my family back home.

Things will probably be better if I had someone here whom I can just talk to any time of the day, or someone to share silly days with. People see a different side of me everyday, but heck go ahead and spend days with me and you’ll get to see. After all, when the day has passed and you have no one, it tends to become really lonely… Ah, utter freedom.

Independence is a word people often take for granted. Sometimes people wish for so much independence and regret once it comes to them. We are often caught off guard and more often than not, go crazy.

It’s a wonderful thing but sometimes it can also be nasty. I guess it all depends on your values and on how stable you are with yourself. Faith, and resistance are two really valuable things. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to remain grounded otherwise we tend to hurt people we leave behind.

Being alone in a foreign country is hard. I have always been independent, but right now, I wish I weren’t. I miss home.

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